There is some solid evidence that I did not think this whole Match thing out completely in my brain prior to finally joining the site two weeks ago.
Case in point, are you all aware that there are two worst times of the year for a teacher? Yes, some would argue there is only one and it is mid-August through mid-June with a couple of respites in the course of the year, but I contend that the first eight weeks of the school year and the last three are the worst. My children would agree wholeheartedly, by the way.
Anyhoo, I digress a bit (but not really). My point is this. I gave myself a week and a half for this process to have my full and undivided attention before I legitimately have no time to give to anything other than what's already established in my world. Since I don't have an appointment to officially analyze what this says about me, my true intentions and my timeline, I'm just going to go with this thought: I might not be the sharpest crayon in the box.
And now that my attention is divided and I'm giving myself just a wee bit of time a night to peruse the offerings of the site, agonizingly debate the merits of whether or not to initiate a contact, I'm highly annoyed.
Annoyed I tell you.
Because, shockingly, apparently the other people on the site have their own timetables as well. And this might not work for me. Call me nuts, but there should be some sort of protocol for all of this. A generic thanks but no thanks email/message once someone initiates contact comes to mind. Again, possibly a new business venture.
Maybe living in an instant gratification society has some serious drawbacks.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Misadventures in Match, Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Good morning! And welcome to this edition of My Misadventures in Match.
It has been 48 hours since the last update, and I'm sure you have all been waiting on the edge of your seats with baited breath.
Well, I haven't gotten married, so there's not much to report.
I did, finally, a week after the triple dog dares, message two {2!} guys last night all on my own. Apparently, I work well to my own deadlines. And I would like to admonish all of you for the lack of a confetti cannon shower following such a huge feat.
Speaking of all of you, there is an internal contest going with the best sarcastic comment to this semi-daily posting about this adventure of mine. Right now, for those of you keeping score at home, the brother is up two best remarks to pal Lisa's one. Terri has one great comment, but it was unrelated to this particular band of text messages.
Other than that, today marks the official two week anniversary of my entering the online dating foray, and last night would be the night I finally saw a person on the site that was also from the LC. My reaction? I slammed the computer lid down and screamed GAH so loudly that both my kids are, "what are you doing?!"
I don't know if I thought he could actually see me once I saw his profile, but I did have a rather visceral reaction and then started laughing hysterically. For those of you who live in the area, you can start guessing as to who it was. Because we all know him.
Finally, Vro and I have decided that our side business is going to be helping men write their profiles with engaging remarks that are spelled AND punctuated correctly, along with teaching them how to take good pictures of themselves and hot to post those as well. Because seriously, most of these guys do not have good pictures of themselves. So bad that you're wondering why did they even post that? They should've gone with nothing at all in most cases. I'll figure out some what to post an approximation of what I'm seeing so you can appreciate what I'm talking about.
{Two out of three guessers correctly identified the local guy I knew online.}
It has been 48 hours since the last update, and I'm sure you have all been waiting on the edge of your seats with baited breath.
Well, I haven't gotten married, so there's not much to report.
I did, finally, a week after the triple dog dares, message two {2!} guys last night all on my own. Apparently, I work well to my own deadlines. And I would like to admonish all of you for the lack of a confetti cannon shower following such a huge feat.
Speaking of all of you, there is an internal contest going with the best sarcastic comment to this semi-daily posting about this adventure of mine. Right now, for those of you keeping score at home, the brother is up two best remarks to pal Lisa's one. Terri has one great comment, but it was unrelated to this particular band of text messages.
Other than that, today marks the official two week anniversary of my entering the online dating foray, and last night would be the night I finally saw a person on the site that was also from the LC. My reaction? I slammed the computer lid down and screamed GAH so loudly that both my kids are, "what are you doing?!"
I don't know if I thought he could actually see me once I saw his profile, but I did have a rather visceral reaction and then started laughing hysterically. For those of you who live in the area, you can start guessing as to who it was. Because we all know him.
Finally, Vro and I have decided that our side business is going to be helping men write their profiles with engaging remarks that are spelled AND punctuated correctly, along with teaching them how to take good pictures of themselves and hot to post those as well. Because seriously, most of these guys do not have good pictures of themselves. So bad that you're wondering why did they even post that? They should've gone with nothing at all in most cases. I'll figure out some what to post an approximation of what I'm seeing so you can appreciate what I'm talking about.
{Two out of three guessers correctly identified the local guy I knew online.}
Misadventures History Lesson, August 18
While many of you have begun the stalking process of the guy who is currently messaging me, I would like to let you all know some things I've figured out as I've been scrolling through profiles.
I can deal with an occasional spelling error. I get it. Bad editing happens. But really people, stop doing shit on your phone and learn to freaking proofread. Because seriously, every single "I" as lower case is not cool. And I've also learned that a lot as one word is my ultimate deal breaker. I see that and I'm moving on. You're out. No mas.
I also (big shock) wish people could go beyond the generic in their profiles. Where's the wit? Is it really that hard to write? Am I skewed in the world because I hang out with highly functioning literate people? Probably. But that's my cross to bear.
Although I'm seeing a possible future in one of two fields. How to teach people to write an engaging profile and/or starting a dating website for people who are beyond the average 8th grader's functioning ability when it comes to communicating.
{Pal Lisa wins with best comment: "Where's the love? i think u shood jus have sum fun"}
I can deal with an occasional spelling error. I get it. Bad editing happens. But really people, stop doing shit on your phone and learn to freaking proofread. Because seriously, every single "I" as lower case is not cool. And I've also learned that a lot as one word is my ultimate deal breaker. I see that and I'm moving on. You're out. No mas.
I also (big shock) wish people could go beyond the generic in their profiles. Where's the wit? Is it really that hard to write? Am I skewed in the world because I hang out with highly functioning literate people? Probably. But that's my cross to bear.
Although I'm seeing a possible future in one of two fields. How to teach people to write an engaging profile and/or starting a dating website for people who are beyond the average 8th grader's functioning ability when it comes to communicating.
{Pal Lisa wins with best comment: "Where's the love? i think u shood jus have sum fun"}
Misguided Match Adventures History, August 16, 2014
This historical text could also be entitled "Be careful what you wish for--especially in regard to pictures."
So. This is an early morning edition, so you can start your day off with a hearty belly chuckle.
Who had the under on me giving up on the internet dating at the two week mark?
Because that would be the winner.
Why the cynicism and quitter attitude, you ask?
Because of this:
 | |
| To be clear, I'm taking my brother's advice and using stock photos, rather than the real ones. Sure, I don't think there is much of a chance that I'd get sued or anything, but I think it is better for my karma not to use the real photos. Plus, it is kinder. And trust me. This one is damn close. It should be noted, from the site, the photo said this man was 50. Yep, you read that right. 50. (My brother wins for best comment. "Sis, why do you have a black and white picture of dad?) |
You get the idea.
For further explanation, let me clarify. Going between the laptop and the app are two very different experiences. Laptop, obviously, is way easier to navigate.
App just "finds singles near you." And that guy was the first single near me.
Dude. Why the face? Quality algorithms my ass.
Misadventures in Match History: August 12 & 15
Update on my Misadventures in Match, August 12, 2014:
Yesterday no less than three people laid the smack down on me to message men. Work the site, if you will.
Considering up to this point I've only been able to peruse the site for about 5 minutes prior to vomiting, this was a triple dog dare level throw down.
I dedicated a solid 90 minutes of my life last night to the process, and the true success is that I didn't retch once.
What I learned: got to stay away from the Arlington men. Was about to message one when I looked at his pics and recognized the kid. Ummmmmm. No. No freaking way.
I also learned I might not have any game. Got to figure out my opening line for when I am able to pull up the big girl panties and message a person of the opposite sex. Considering that as my opening line is a sure indicator that I might be over thinking this whole thing.
And yes, I still need to edit my info.
Misadventures in Match, August 15, 2014:
First, let's put this out there. My ability to obsess over not communicating with someone of the opposite sex has seriously diminished in time due to the return of my offspring.
Second, let's not forget I'm a big ol' chicken when it comes to this whole thing, so I have NOT risen to the triple dog dare of communicating with a few boys...but I'm getting dangerously close.
I have one email from a guy in...Walla Walla. That seems like a bit of a commute.
In other news, I've been mulling over and tweaking my profile. I'm awaiting approval from my spirit guide in this endeavor before I push "apply." I'm sure I'll tweak it and obsess even more as time marches on.
And while I'm pleased to announce that my profile has been liked or favorited by more than a few guys, they all seem to have one thing in common. No pictures. Why the face? Are they victims of a horrible chain saw accident? Are they still rocking a mullet? What do they have to hide?
Yesterday no less than three people laid the smack down on me to message men. Work the site, if you will.
Considering up to this point I've only been able to peruse the site for about 5 minutes prior to vomiting, this was a triple dog dare level throw down.
I dedicated a solid 90 minutes of my life last night to the process, and the true success is that I didn't retch once.
What I learned: got to stay away from the Arlington men. Was about to message one when I looked at his pics and recognized the kid. Ummmmmm. No. No freaking way.
I also learned I might not have any game. Got to figure out my opening line for when I am able to pull up the big girl panties and message a person of the opposite sex. Considering that as my opening line is a sure indicator that I might be over thinking this whole thing.
And yes, I still need to edit my info.
Misadventures in Match, August 15, 2014:
First, let's put this out there. My ability to obsess over not communicating with someone of the opposite sex has seriously diminished in time due to the return of my offspring.
Second, let's not forget I'm a big ol' chicken when it comes to this whole thing, so I have NOT risen to the triple dog dare of communicating with a few boys...but I'm getting dangerously close.
I have one email from a guy in...Walla Walla. That seems like a bit of a commute.
In other news, I've been mulling over and tweaking my profile. I'm awaiting approval from my spirit guide in this endeavor before I push "apply." I'm sure I'll tweak it and obsess even more as time marches on.
And while I'm pleased to announce that my profile has been liked or favorited by more than a few guys, they all seem to have one thing in common. No pictures. Why the face? Are they victims of a horrible chain saw accident? Are they still rocking a mullet? What do they have to hide?
Misadventures in Match History: August 11
Here's another historical text--
Holly's Woefully Pitiful Online Dating Update, Monday, August 11, 2014:
I either need to figure out what the heck I'm looking for, beef up my profile, and start messaging the guys that I find interesting in order to not feel so sadly pathetic that the only people who seem to be interested in my are over-aged lecherous looking bus driver types or go to the Humane Society and start adopting the cats.
This was followed by a brief exchange between the brother and I:
Bro:
You need to put these thoughts on a blog.
Me:
I'm aware.
Bro:
You lift lines from the profiles/messages and then find stock photos that sort of look like the guys.
Me:
Hmmm...so you're saying approach it like I'm writing my first novel.
Bro:
Well, maybe. I was thinking you could just make us laugh.
Me:
Yes. But you're an easy mark.
Bro:
Approach it like a guide to fall TV. "And on Tuesday nights it's a choice between a guy that's possibly driving a bus of Canadians to the outlet mall or this guy that reminds me of a young Mr. Roper..."
Me:
Maybe I'll meet someone in Kentucky. Who isn't related. Although the relation would make it more funny.
Bro:
{Sis,} "Justified" is fiction. Timothy Olyphant (Raylan) lives in LA, not Lewisburg, and criminals look like {some of our relatives}, not Boyd Crowder.
Me:
Damn. Fuark.
Me:
My profile is pretty empty still, so I need to beef it up. I think I'm going to use this line: "While I don't actively hang out in the Shire, or consult a Klingon Dictionary as a second language, I'm fairly certain that I could have it intelligent debate as to whether or not Han fired first.
Bro:
That's good! (Though, honestly, if the guy doesn't realize that Han shot first, he's a no-go).
Holly's Woefully Pitiful Online Dating Update, Monday, August 11, 2014:
I either need to figure out what the heck I'm looking for, beef up my profile, and start messaging the guys that I find interesting in order to not feel so sadly pathetic that the only people who seem to be interested in my are over-aged lecherous looking bus driver types or go to the Humane Society and start adopting the cats.
This was followed by a brief exchange between the brother and I:
Bro:
You need to put these thoughts on a blog.
Me:
I'm aware.
Bro:
You lift lines from the profiles/messages and then find stock photos that sort of look like the guys.
Me:
Hmmm...so you're saying approach it like I'm writing my first novel.
Bro:
Well, maybe. I was thinking you could just make us laugh.
Me:
Yes. But you're an easy mark.
Bro:
Approach it like a guide to fall TV. "And on Tuesday nights it's a choice between a guy that's possibly driving a bus of Canadians to the outlet mall or this guy that reminds me of a young Mr. Roper..."
Me:
Maybe I'll meet someone in Kentucky. Who isn't related. Although the relation would make it more funny.
Bro:
{Sis,} "Justified" is fiction. Timothy Olyphant (Raylan) lives in LA, not Lewisburg, and criminals look like {some of our relatives}, not Boyd Crowder.
Me:
Damn. Fuark.
Me:
My profile is pretty empty still, so I need to beef it up. I think I'm going to use this line: "While I don't actively hang out in the Shire, or consult a Klingon Dictionary as a second language, I'm fairly certain that I could have it intelligent debate as to whether or not Han fired first.
Bro:
That's good! (Though, honestly, if the guy doesn't realize that Han shot first, he's a no-go).
History, part 1: August 7, 2014
So, due to popular demand (my brother and sister-in-law) and my need to have my ego inflated even further, I'm officially blogging what has been my texts up to this point. What I've affectionately been entitling "My Misadventures in Match."
Anyway, let's go through the history of what I've said so far:
So, I joined Match last night.
Let the mocking begin. And because the daughter and I share an iTunes account, it dawned on me as I was downloading the app that she would get it in her phone too. I started cursing like a sailor at Jen, who was on the floor crying with hysterical laughter as I'm screaming hysterically, "omfg Em just got the match app downloaded to her phone. Shit. Shit. Shit."
So, while my kids know that I might be dating, I was planning on keeping the internet portion on the DL. However, once it was out there, I have to say the kids embraced it. Here were the texts. First, from the first born:
Anyway, let's go through the history of what I've said so far:
So, I joined Match last night.
Let the mocking begin. And because the daughter and I share an iTunes account, it dawned on me as I was downloading the app that she would get it in her phone too. I started cursing like a sailor at Jen, who was on the floor crying with hysterical laughter as I'm screaming hysterically, "omfg Em just got the match app downloaded to her phone. Shit. Shit. Shit."
So, while my kids know that I might be dating, I was planning on keeping the internet portion on the DL. However, once it was out there, I have to say the kids embraced it. Here were the texts. First, from the first born:
And then the conversation from the darling daughter:
To which my response to her line was "Praise the Sweet Baby!"
And then, about 24 hours later, I sent out this text to a few peeps:
So, I've been on Match for 36 hours. According to all the romance novels I read, or TV shows I watch, or movies I see, shouldn't I have found my prince charming by now? #ItspossibleImighthaveunrealisticexpectations
Stay tuned for more misdaventure match history coming your way.
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